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AMA – Ask Me Anything

Welcome to The Discerning Man ask me anything. Feel free to ask a question  or propose a topic you’d like me to cover. I’ll update this post with my responses. 

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4 Comments

  1. S M

    Hey Nick,

    Going to post my first question.

    I texted you some screenshots that I don’t think I can add here. My apologies for the mixed media.

    Anyway, I got home from Knox Serve and found a letter from my wife (in the screenshots).

    For some context: I grew up in the Keys, and love it. I used to go about twice a year, every year. I admit that I have probably used it as a coping mechanism before Christ claimed me, which was only a couple of years ago. I have tried to be humble and accept that my passion for the Keys is demonic, an addiction, etc., pray it away, that kind of thing.

    I have also had some issues with performance-based Christianity, and have at times hated and tried to remove this passion from me to “prove” that I am truly saved. I’ve done my best to surrender that striving and works, knowing that nothing I do adds anything to what Jesus has done.

    Although my wife hates that I have it in my heart, I can control it. I’ve refrained from going down for a few years now, and told her that I would refrain from any trips until our marriage is healed.

    Maybe I really do have a problem, but I need a more objective viewpoint. What do you think? Am I just not standing up to my wife about her own fears, etc.?

    • Nicholas McGill

      Let’s dive deep into this, brother. You’re wrestling with a complex issue that touches on faith, marriage, personal history, and the human struggle for meaning. This isn’t just about the Florida Keys – it’s about your soul’s journey and your relationship with God and your wife.

      First, let’s address the elephant in the room: the idea that your passion for the Keys is “demonic.” That’s a heavy claim, and we need to examine it carefully. The Bible tells us in James 1:17, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.” God created the natural world, including the beauty of the Keys, for us to enjoy. Your appreciation for this place isn’t inherently sinful.

      However, anything can become an idol if it takes precedence over God in our lives. The question isn’t whether you love the Keys, but whether that love interferes with your relationship with Christ. We must take responsibility for our actions and their consequences. If your past visits to the Keys were driven by escapism or addiction, that’s a problem to address – but the place itself isn’t the issue.

      Now, let’s talk about performance-based Christianity. You’re absolutely right to reject this mindset. Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” Your salvation doesn’t depend on whether you visit the Keys or not. Christ’s work on the cross is complete and sufficient.

      But here’s where it gets tricky: while we’re saved by grace alone, our faith should produce fruit in our lives. As James 2:17 says, “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” This doesn’t mean we earn our salvation, but that genuine faith transforms us. So, the question isn’t “Do I need to give up the Keys to prove I’m saved?” but rather, “How does my relationship with Christ impact my desires and actions?”

      Let’s pivot to your marriage. You’ve shown admirable restraint by refraining from trips until your marriage is healed. That’s a sacrificial act of love. But we need to dig deeper. Why does your wife hate that you have this passion in your heart? Is it rooted in her past hurts, fears of abandonment, or concerns about your spiritual walk? Open, honest communication is crucial here.

      Remember, marriage is a covenant relationship that reflects Christ’s love for the church. Ephesians 5:25 instructs husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This doesn’t mean being a doormat, but it does mean considering your wife’s feelings and concerns seriously. However, your wife is not God, nor a replacement for that relationship. It’s important that you’re not an enabling a false relationship where she becomes an intermediary and sole interpreter of the truth or God’s will, as is very common these days.

      Now, let’s get real about addiction and coping mechanisms. If the Keys were a way to escape reality before you came to Christ, it’s wise to be cautious. Addiction isn’t just about substances – it can be about places, experiences, or anything that we use to avoid dealing with our problems. We must confront the chaos in our lives, not run from it.

      But here’s the paradox: sometimes, what we think is the problem isn’t the real issue. Your love for the Keys might not be the addiction – the addiction might be to escape, to avoid facing certain truths about yourself or your life. The Keys were just the vehicle.

      So, what’s the path forward? First, continue to deepen your relationship with Christ. Let His Word and Spirit transform you from the inside out. As you grow in Him, your desires will naturally align more with His will.
      Second, work on your marriage. Seek counseling if necessary. Create a safe space for both you and your wife to express your fears, hopes, and needs. Don’t just avoid conflict – learn to navigate it together.

      Third, examine your heart honestly. Is your desire for the Keys truly an addiction, or is it a God-given appreciation for His creation? If it’s the latter, can you find ways to enjoy and celebrate that beauty that also include and bless your wife?

      Fourth, consider this: maybe God gave you this passion for a reason. Could your love for the Keys be channeled into ministry, environmental stewardship, or sharing the gospel in that area? Pick up your cross and bear it – but remember that your cross might be your calling, not just your burden.

      Lastly, stand firm in your identity in Christ. You are not defined by your past, your struggles, or even your passions. You are a new creation, loved and redeemed by God.

      In conclusion, brother, this isn’t about proving anything to anyone. It’s about walking in freedom, loving your wife well, and allowing Christ to be Lord over every area of your life – including your love for the Keys. Trust in His grace, seek His wisdom, and remember: the goal isn’t to eliminate your passions, but to align them with God’s purposes for your life.

  2. S M

    In counseling today, the issue now seems to be that because I don’t recognize this as an addiction and thereby an avenue for spiritual attack, she can’t trust me.

    • Nicholas McGill

      Trust in marriage is foundational. Proverbs 31:11 speaks of a wife who can trust her husband, and this trust goes both ways. Your wife’s inability to trust you due to this disagreement is a serious concern that needs addressing.

      However, we must be careful not to confuse disagreement with untrustworthiness. You and your wife have different perspectives on whether your love for the Keys constitutes an addiction or a spiritual vulnerability. This difference doesn’t automatically mean you’re untrustworthy. And again, enabling a dynamic where the only arbiter of truth or God’s will is your wife – is problematic for you and her.

      Consider 1 Corinthians 8, where Paul discusses eating food offered to idols. Some believers saw no issue with it, while others considered it sinful. Paul’s advice? Those who felt free to eat should be willing to abstain for the sake of those who struggled, but those who struggled shouldn’t judge those who felt free.

      In your case, even if you don’t see your passion for the Keys as an addiction, you’ve chosen to abstain from visits out of love for your wife and a desire to heal your marriage. That’s commendable and aligns with Paul’s teaching.

      However, your wife’s concern goes deeper than just behavior – it’s about your spiritual discernment. She fears that by not recognizing this as an addiction or spiritual attack, you’re vulnerable. This is where careful, loving communication becomes crucial.

      Here are some steps to consider:

      Pray together: Invite God’s wisdom and discernment into this situation. James 1:5 promises that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask.
      Seek understanding: Try to fully grasp your wife’s fears. What does she see that you might be missing? Be open to the possibility that she might have insights you lack. Or is it really a mask for her issues?
      Share your heart: Explain your perspective clearly, emphasizing your commitment to your faith and your marriage.

      Agree on boundaries: Even if you don’t see it as an addiction, can you agree on healthy boundaries regarding the Keys? And healthy boundaries do not mean just the ones that she feels good about – you must feel they’re appropriate for you too.

      Seek outside counsel: A trusted pastor or Christian counselor might provide valuable perspective. If NO ONE is calling out the gynocentric epicenter in the room – you’re surrounded by too many enablers of feminized subservient dynamics – which will not help you.

      Focus on fruits: Rather than debating labels like “addiction,” focus on the fruits of your life. Are you growing in Christ? Is your marriage strengthening?
      Be patient: Trust takes time to rebuild. Your consistent actions over time will speak louder than any words.

      Remember, the goal isn’t to prove who’s right, but to grow together in Christ. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak the truth in love, growing to become more like Christ.

      Your wife’s trust in you should ultimately be rooted in your shared faith and your demonstrated commitment to Christ and to her, not in your agreement on her every spiritual interpretation.
      Continue to show love, patience, and a willingness to examine yourself honestly. At the same time, stand firm in your convictions and the work God has done in your life. Trust that as you both seek God’s will earnestly, He will guide you into all truth (John 16:13).

      This journey may be challenging, but it’s an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger faith. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2), and trust that He will lead you both through this valley to greener pastures.

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